The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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