dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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