1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I currently don't understand fingers.
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