dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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