I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
