i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
