omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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