I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
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I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
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The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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