i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize