Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
