Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
