If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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