glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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