I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just forgot I was standing up.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
