so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
