You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
