I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
