There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
