i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
