I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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