And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
one two three fourrrrnication!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
