Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
