Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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