I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
