I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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