it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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