I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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