So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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