Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
