note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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