I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
