he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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