I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
