You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
