We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
God I need to hump something, right now.
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