im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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