life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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