remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
