i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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