Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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