I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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