So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
