It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
