the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
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I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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