how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
