i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
