youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
