Tell her she can't have a vagina
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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