That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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