I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
