I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
