I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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