my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
