Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
