im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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