chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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