are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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